No more carbs. No more fat. No more sugar. No more eating unless I am hungry. No more tea between meals. Nothing over x amount of calories. Nothing to eat if my weight has increased, even if it's only by one hundred grams. Nothing to eat after exercise until I feel hungry again. Nothing to eat… Continue reading Some Things That Happened When I Stopped Eating
2017 was the first year I sought eating disorder treatment since anorexia developed in 2011. My recovery prior to this was undertaken by myself, without input from any health professionals. This was not a healthy decision. I know of people who have undertaken their own recovery and weight restoration and done an incredible job, grown… Continue reading When Goal Setting Makes Me Suicidal
It seems that in the past week, the universe has been strongly against me. It has been really hard to seem okay. It has been really hard to wake up, but also to escape to sleep knowing that I will have to face the same thing again the next day. A few unfortunate things happened.… Continue reading Help – The Universe Hates Me
Drawings and sketches of hands and faces. I'm a little obsessed with hands and anatomy. I guess you could consider the faces self portraits of a kind. Selected prints for sale through Etsy.
It seems that the more I draw, the more I sketch the sensations that arise from riding this emotional rollercoaster, the more I realise that hands and faces, cannot heal me anymore than my attempts to disfigure the same hands and faces. Self-destruction presents itself in these sketches, and also in starvation, compensation, self-deprecation. It… Continue reading The Toolkit and First Aid Kit – A Poem
There's this thing about being me. It's that I live on an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know if a particular mental illness is at fault (BPD, I'm looking at you) or a combination of the whole fun package. I can feel fine. I can feel more than fine, in fact. I can be smiling, smirking,… Continue reading This Rollercoaster I Ride
I'm honoured / awed / shocked / a little paranoid / panicky (thanks brain, hijacking all the good things as usual) to have been nominated for the blogger recognition award by the incredible Kaitlyn of With Being Alive. After only a month of this new blogging adventure. Me: sitting in bed, laptop on knees, coffee curled into… Continue reading An Award – after a month!
People say that suicide is selfish. And sure, they're right - it is selfish to leave behind bereft family and friends who you cannot support, who will never know your last words and last thoughts, and constantly question if they could have helped, if they could have done more. Keeping me alive is also selfish.… Continue reading Suicide Doesn’t Seem Selfish To Me
I’m sorry to have confused you for so long. For not eating in front of you, then binging on chocolate at sleepovers, appearing normal, and immediately returning to that desolate place of starvation. I'm sorry I never said my anorexia was binge/purge sub-type, because then it would have made more sense. I’m sorry for the… Continue reading I’m Sorry. To My Friends, Family, and Self.
These are not flotsam and jetsam thoughts, they do not ebb and flow, they are as constant as the stars and the universe, expanding and contracting like the breath. Tides cannot be turned off, and neither can the tsunami of negativity that swamps me surreptitiously. Caress me Death, I welcome thee, with open arms and… Continue reading These Are Not Flotsam and Jetsam Thoughts – A Poem