The Book That Ruined My Life

I love to read. I love all sorts of books, I love to savour every word, every syllable like a sweet morsel to dangle off my tongue. I love adding new words to my extensive repertoire, words like surreptitious, superfluous, vernacular, kintsukuroi, and petrichor - all of which are very real, very beautiful words you… Continue reading The Book That Ruined My Life

Bible Quotes That Deeply Resonate with My Depression (and other illnesses too)

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit" - Psalm 34:18 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ" - Galatians 6:2 "The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble" - Psalm 9:9 "Pray without ceasing" - Thessalonians 5:17 "Therefore, if food… Continue reading Bible Quotes That Deeply Resonate with My Depression (and other illnesses too)

Chronic Depression, My Old Friend

When I was younger, before all the bad shit happened (read: anorexia followed by years of intense bullying which only reaffirmed that if I was just thinner, things would be better) I thought depression was purely episodic. I thought it only occurred during grief after a death, that it was a really intense sadness that hung… Continue reading Chronic Depression, My Old Friend

Bringing Clarity To My Eating Disorder(s)

This is my safe space, where I do whatever the fuck I want. Sometimes, I write eloquently and in full sentences, and sometimes my writing becomes a pure stream of consciousness, which can be identified by the increased use of swear words and italics. Because this is my space where I do whatever the fuck… Continue reading Bringing Clarity To My Eating Disorder(s)

Eating Disorder Nostalgia

Sometimes, I wish I had died. I look back at photos from my thinnest, from my sickest, most obsessive, frame of mind and wish I had died. I was close. I can recall moments where I was terrified that I was in fact, about to die, and also the words of friends, who indeed did… Continue reading Eating Disorder Nostalgia

My Brain Hurts Tonight

There is darkness in me. It hurts. It pushes against my skull, a visceral pulse of mental pain. I feel it inside my chest and throat, where bugs dance against my flesh, and trapped insects crawl up and down. Under my skin, there's a creeping sensation. Inside my heart, a deafening beat. There's depression disguised… Continue reading My Brain Hurts Tonight

Why Mindfulness Isn’t Always A Solution

When I started seeing a therapist consistently for the first time ever, he identified the borderline personality traits wrecking havoc in my life and relationships. The first DBT skill he taught me was mindfulness. And it is a skill, a very powerful one at that. But it's not a solution. I try working at it,… Continue reading Why Mindfulness Isn’t Always A Solution

Binge Eating Aftermath

I just ate two boxes of muesli bars. I regret every bite. And I want to hurt myself. Bad. Real bad. Because of the whole broken arm deal I can't exercise-purge tomorrow. I could cycle, but I wouldn't be able to do it properly. So Ana has plans for us to restrict instead. We won't… Continue reading Binge Eating Aftermath

My Depression Has No Metaphor

I was trying to think of a metaphor I could use to describe depression. There's an obvious problem, with it being utterly indescribable. All this bullshit about clouds that rain only over you, and darkness that doesn't recede, isn't really wrong, but it doesn't fully capture the essence of depression. Which, just to eliminate the… Continue reading My Depression Has No Metaphor