Warning: it’s a mess.
This is my recovery journal.
Here, I do writing assignments from this incredible eating disorder recovery self help book and activities from therapy, plan my days hour by hour when things are tough (and also when they’re not, because plans and lists make me feel safe), and emotionally purge everything that’s going through my mind. Maybe I draw a little, or write some poetry. But mostly, it’s just one giant mess.
It’s strange to flick back through the pages I drew all over and wrote in during hospital stays on suicide watch at midnight, or from when Ana (my eating disorder self) was overwhelmingly loud. It’s like gazing into my soul – raw, transparent, but insightful too. A reminder of the tough times I’ve been through and come back from, but also the goals I have yet to meet. A list of things I’ve done, but also didn’t do or couldn’t do, and the regrets I hold. A two-year history of trauma, emotional abuse, neglect, suicidality, self harm, disordered eating, depression and the borderline roller-coaster.
I wanted to share it with you.
Because a simple search and scroll through Pinterest of “bullet journals” or “bujo inspo” or “weekly spreads” leaves me feeling absolutely gutted. Most days, my journal is a scribble. Sometimes it includes emotionally charged drawings, poems, coping phrases and bible verses. Mostly though, it’s just real. It’s a real, honest, striking, and at times, just plain awful, mental health diary.
It’s my kind of journal.