A Word on Being Alone

For the first time in my life, I have experienced true alone-ness. Not loneliness, the longing for other people, nor deliberate isolation where my eating disorder could fester. Not a desire to be by myself. But a whole new experience - 'aloneness'. I lived alone for just over six months, and, retrospectively, I have realised… Continue reading A Word on Being Alone

Nurturing Internal Wounds (AKA therapy sucks)

Since my last period of extreme suicidality (okay, so essentially the last few months of 2017), I have had a "treatment team" looking after me and my mental health. This includes a GP, psychologist specialising in mood disorders and a psychiatrist. During eating disorder treatment, this also included two eating disorder psychologists, an occupational therapist… Continue reading Nurturing Internal Wounds (AKA therapy sucks)

Resigning Myself to Recovery

Sometimes I sit. I sit in half-lotus, or collapse, whatever best befits my level of exhaustion (there's no in between, it's go hard or go home for me when it comes to black and white thoughts), and I think. I probably dissociate a fair bit, but mostly I think. I think about how things are… Continue reading Resigning Myself to Recovery

Why do I keep hurting myself?

I deserve to be punished. This is the belief that drives every behaviour I engage in, but none more than self harm. I deserve to be punished, so I deserve to hurt. I deserve the scars. I deserve to be ugly. So I cut. FYI this is not going to be a particularly nice post.… Continue reading Why do I keep hurting myself?

Anxious Human Here

Here are some things that make me anxious: Being unexpectedly touched, like when people sit too close on the buses, and their thighs or sleeve touches me, and I have to press my face against the window to escape, but then my skin is touching dirty public transport glass and then I feel unclean, and… Continue reading Anxious Human Here

Hold on

Two words. Two syllables. Two girls sharing emotional stress silently, as busy commuters and parents hurry past obliviously. Two hands reaching across a dirty bakery counter. Two arms stretching across space into a wordless void. One arm was heavily scarred, still bleeding in places, the other covered by long sleeves. I have to wear short… Continue reading Hold on

Binge Eating Aftermath 2

i wish i had died i wish i had died i wish i had died i should have let anorexia kill me i wish i was dead i want to die They say to use coping phrases, that feeling full is not the same as being fat, but it is, I'm full to the point… Continue reading Binge Eating Aftermath 2

Soon

Soon, they say. Soon, things will get better. Soon, things will improve. Soon, the medication will take effect. Soon, the therapy will take effect. Soon, positive coping mechanisms will replace the maladaptive ones. Soon is not soon enough, in the same way that good will never be good enough. I can't be good, I need… Continue reading Soon

I’m not sick enough

I'm struggling with my eating disorder right now. I'm not struggling with weight loss, or with severe restriction, or with calorie counting, or excessive exercise - I'm not struggling with anorexia anymore. I'm struggling to comprehend that I wish I was struggling more. I wish I was still underweight, and dying. I wish I was still anorexic. … Continue reading I’m not sick enough