I’m not sick enough

I’m struggling with my eating disorder right now. I’m not struggling with weight loss, or with severe restriction, or with calorie counting, or excessive exercise – I’m not struggling with anorexia anymore. I’m struggling to comprehend that I wish I was struggling more. I wish I was still underweight, and dying. I wish I was still anorexic. 

When I wake up, the first thing I do is look in the mirror. I body check. I pinch my thighs, my butt, my arms. I measure my wrists. Have I gained weight today? Can’t tell? Then better restrict just to be safe. Just to be sure. This is the same morning routine I have had since I first established it, when I was eleven. Except this time, the fat isn’t in my mind. The fat is visceral, it is real. And that intense preoccupation with shape and weight isn’t so unwarranted anymore – because society abhors fat people, and I am fat now. I have never been fat before.

I have also never been good at acceptance. I can’t accept that the reason I gained weight in the first fucking place is because after six years of starvation mode my body decided to cling to every calorie and gram of fat it could grapple out of my bloodstream, and when you binge on peanut butter, which is essentially pure fat, you gain a lot of weight.

I need to buy scales. Because scales will motivate me to lose weight, and Ana says that losing weight is the only way I’ll ever be successful, or fulfilled, or loved. I am nothing if I am not thin. 

The worst part is – I worked so hard to claw my way out of anorexia. Alone. Without medical assistance. Without dietary assistance. Without my family knowing. With very few friends knowing. Challenging fear foods alone. Gaining weight alone. Going through body changes alone. Getting my periods back, hitting the “normal weight” threshold, seeing bones fade behind fat, cycling through piles and piles of clothes as my weight normalised – all alone.

And now, as I sit here, having told myself I will not eat breakfast, immediately before binging, immediately before the waves of guilt and shame and plans to restrict – I am alone in this. I am alone in the way my body has gone from emaciated to overweight, alone in the bulimia I suffer from, and the stigma that carries with it, especially because I don’t purge. There’s more than one way to have bulimia, just as there’s more than one way to have an eating disorder, but apparently that’s a little difficult for most people to grasp.

I can remember what it felt like to be thin. I can remember where the bones were, where clothes hung loose and useless. 

I can remember being constantly hypothermic, even in spring, and I can remember the pale skin, gaunt face, dark circles, and collapsing from exhaustion every day.

I can remember Ana – screeching. Berating. Deprecating. Screaming and screaming and screaming. I can remember how awful it was. How awful it still is. How awful she is.

But I still want it. I need it. I need anorexia. Anorexia kept me safe. Anorexia kept me alive, even as it was killing me. It gave me a purpose, a sense of self, a reason to exist, even if that reason got smaller and smaller everyday.

I have no reasons anymore. Bulimia has no reasons. Why would I want to stay alive in a cesspool of shame and disgust and guilt and compensatory behaviours and destroying my body through cycles of binging and restricting and exercise and laxative abuse? I have no reasons to do this. I have no reasons to stay alive.

I should have let anorexia kill me.

12 thoughts on “I’m not sick enough”

    1. :/ it’s not a good time… but i don’t like sick so i must be fine right?! my grades at uni are fine and i attend all my classes so i must be managing okay?? my life seems put together, i can work, i can study, i’m not medically unstable… i’m the opposite of fine :((

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I see a therapist for mood reasons, but we rarely talk about ED and in no great detail. I recently was discharged by my treatment team (my first ever ED treatment – 7 weeks of day program, I write about it haphazardly in other posts here and there) and would reconnect with them except they are understaffed and so the program isn’t running anymore 😦 I dunno, i can convince myself I’m fine because its just thoughts and not suuuuper frequent behaviours… gah. I just don’t know whats going on with me and my ED right now.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s a bummer about the program not running anymore.

        As far as not knowing what’s going on with you and your ed right now, to me it sounds like the reality of recovery, which as you know isn’t linear. Recovery is as you describe here. And recovery sucks! (And is worth it)

        Liked by 2 people

      3. i thought it was worth it a year ago, after my weight was restored for the first time in many many years… then the bulimia started… doesnt seem worth it anymore (or at least right now) >.<

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sad to say I know this battle too well.
    My body has also clung to every calorie after periods of restriction.
    My weight has gone from extremely high to extremely low and back to extremely high and low and high and low and high….
    I have swung back and forth between restricting and binging too many times to count.
    It’s awful.

    And the worse part, as you describe, is the ED thoughts that DOMINATE every moment of everyday. I feel like I’m right where you are.

    I am told of a magical thing called a set point. I am told that extreme hunger after severe restriction is really common and eventually your body will set at a set point. I am told this could take months or even years. I am trying to trust this process. I am trying to trust my dietitian. I am trying.

    Rosie my advice is simple (yet really hard, I know)
    Mechanically eat.
    Follow your meal plan.
    Your body knows what to do with nutrition.
    Let it learn to trust you again.

    Also – I just want you to know how determined and resilient you must be to do recovery on your own like that. I’m sad you’ve had to do it alone – hope you have found support in other ways though.

    YOU ARE A WARRIOR.
    THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN’T DO NOW!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I too am waiting for the magical set point to arrive… the problem is, I have never been without symptoms for long enough for that to happen, for longer than a few days at a time. You’re right about mechanical eating, but I can’t even bring myself to eat anything more than coffee right now – because it disguises the hunger – and if I am going to eat, I need to make it worth it so I binge… gotta love B & W thinking… gotta love recovery >.<

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have value as a human being, and that’s why you should stay alive. Purging or no purging, those definitely sound like eating disordered thoughts. You’ve gotten through this before, and you’re going to get through it again. You can do this 💕

    Liked by 2 people

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