STILL not sick enough

been in and out of hospital more in the past month than i have in the rest of my life. my doctor and psych decided together that an extended admission was inappropriate for me at this time. when will it be appropriate? when i’m dead? the borderline rage is building and its going to bubble over soon and then i will start hurting myself out of spite to make them see, to force them to see, that i am not okay.

my anatomy exam is tomorrow. i care about that, so i’m going to sit that, and then i’m going to kms.

i have 24 hours to come up with a plan. but it has to be something that will work. stab stab stab, fall fall fall? but i can’t do it at home, because then my housemate will find me. so back to the beach? i dont know. i dont know what to do anymore.

i hate being alive. i hate existing in this space. i take up so much space, too much space.

i can’t do this anymore.

8 thoughts on “STILL not sick enough

  1. Oh Rosie, please don’t kill yourself. Even if no one is there for you, even if it seems like life is a pointless void, I PROMISE someone loves you.
    God loves you, and God is perfect. Sadly, every person has broken God’s laws. Breaking God’s laws is called sinning, and sin separates you from God. If you sin, you can’t go to heaven when you die because heaven is perfect. Instead, you’ll go to a horrible place called hell.
    Because God loves you, he sent his perfect Son, Jesus, to die in your place the worst death anyone has ever died. He took your penalty for your sin on himself. Then, three days after he died, he rose again from the grave! He did this so that you can die to sin and live a purpose-filled life, then go to heaven when you die.
    To receive forgiveness through Jesus, all you need to do is pray. Admit to God that you have sinned, believe that Jesus died and rose again for you, ask him to come into your heart and forgive you, and commit to following him. If you pray that and truly mean it, then you’ll go to heaven when you die!
    Rosie, I really hope that you will consider what I have told you about what God does for you. I’m praying so hard for you. If you have any questions, please ask me. I’m here for you if you need to talk.

    Like

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