Justice Seeking

Does it ever achieve anything, really?

Will filing a complaint, spending so much time regurgitating the last few months that I rely on my journal to remember, since I dissociate so much, actually change anything for anyone?

It certainly won’t change what’s happened to me. It certainly won’t change the string of emergency department presentations and immediate discharge that have occurred over the past two months. People say that when you feel suicidal, you go to the hospital.

They never told me the hospital wouldn’t help.

In the past two weeks, I have attempted suicide three times, presented to hospital five times, and been admitted only once. Even after absconding from police schedule, I was discharged a few hours later. Even after being stitched up, and confessing I probably would do it again, and I probably wasn’t safe by myself, I was discharged again. Again and again and again I am seeking help, the most proactive and the most compliant I have ever been, and still that help is denied to me?

Does that shock you? It shocks me, as the person saying they were unsafe. It shocks my friends, as the people who take me to hospital, and as the people concerned when I am discharged repeatedly, and proceed to hurt myself some more, repeatedly.

Something is failing here.

It could be the three letters that emblazon my file, those three unfortunately stigmatised letters: bee pee dee. I wonder, without that diagnosis, would the same thing have occurred. If it was depression, and only depression, driving my suicidal acts, would that change things? Are clinicians really so misunderstanding of Borderlines? Still?

I am not seeking attention. I am seeking help. I am asking for a safe space, when I can’t find one anywhere else. I am asking for a safe place because I make every other place dangerous. Because my head is trying to kill me.

I’m seeking justice not for me, but for the people like me: the person who is discharged proceeds to kill themselves successfully, because they’ve been given another opportunity. There is the very, very real possibility that I could have been that person. Somehow, that just doesn’t seem to stick with those charged with keeping me safe.

5 thoughts on “Justice Seeking

  1. Sigh. This made me so sad. Unfortunately it doesn’t shock me at all. I don’t know what country you live in but I can imagine that happening here in the UK.

    Could it be your diagnosis? I’ve heard so much negative in that way, so yes. Although the therapists I’ve spoken to when looking for a therapist asked as soon as I called them (after the first 5 minutes), if I’ve BPD and had no issues with working with anyone with BPD.

    I hope you can find the support you are looking for. One thing I’ve also learned is that support can usually be found, the main problem is knowing it exists, where to find it, and how to access it.

    Sending sunshine and sparkles. I’m loving the blue sky here today. Hoping it’s sunny by you too.

    I’m glad you’re here

    Love, light and glitter

    Like

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