remember that one time when i wrote about my sixteenth suicide attempt?
i’m still not coping with it very well, so i wrote a poem about it. it was a pretty serious attempt, landing me in icu after all. and i’m trying so fucking hard to fight against my head but sometimes it just gets so loud and the thoughts will only stop once i act on them.
pretty heavy trigger warning on this one guys. i would say ‘enjoy’ but it’s probably not the kind of poem you would enjoy. i hope it helps you heal as writing it helped me heal
with a backing track
of panic attacks,
the most pitiful playlist,
i swallow supposed death,
washed back with a bottle of vodka.
i fall asleep to serenading
waves on the beach;
dying feels like going home.
strangely, beneath the stars
i feel less alone
even though they represent
only myths, i suppose.
then waking in intensive care
waking into horror
writhing in restraints
while watched by two cops
ready with their handcuffs
ready for when i run
with my rights stripped away.
every time i wake i see her face.
i wish i were a shooting star not
starfished at the ankles and wrists
spread apart to remind me of
the men who spread my legs
then left me with the mess.
soon startled into being
at the hiss of velcro loosening
i throw my fist toward my face
before my veins are flooded
with syringed sleep
with a shot of compliance.
the next time i wake
there are three cops
no, four
watching closely on the tips
of their regulation boots,
on the edge of their seats.
it will take five sets of hands
to hold me down this time.
they say i am hurting them
but surely i am hurting more
since i keep finding myself waking
into the same
fucking nightmare.
very sad indeed … how are you now? And how is the uni study going?
Nice to meet you 🙂
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i’m currently on uni break, which is partly why things are not so great… and yes, it was nice to stumble across your blog!
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at Sydney uni? what are you studying?
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at unsw 🙂 i’m fourth year doing physiology/English
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double major that’s a big one, good luck!
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