this is where i’m at tonight

i sat in the shower crying, eating cold pizza, hating myself with every bite since it seems like all i did today was eat and when i try to count cals all i want to do is die because i broke so many fucking rules and i wish i just fucking wish i could throw up. what kind of shitty bulimic am i? a fake one. the kind of bulimic who purges by exercising.

it’s not fucking good enough.

a friend told me recently that the lack of a gag reflex is entirely wasted on a lesbian.

well fuck her. because i would give anything to be able to get rid of this binge. instead i just keep eating and eating and gaining and gaining. i had reached my goal weight a month or so ago and it felt amazing and then in one shitty week i ruined all that progress. stupid fat bitch. next time i feel like binging i’m going to cut instead. punish myself in advance. with every bite i’ll go a little bit deeper. until i hit the fat of my thighs or forearms and can slice it out from beneath my skin. because that’s the only way i will ever be thin – if i slice the fat out myself.

tonight i am nursing a bottle of vodka. you know you’re an alcoholic when you can have about 6 standard drinks (australian) without even feeling tipsy. i almost had beer for breakfast but i love my job at the pharmacy, and can’t bear to lose the only thing that gives my life any fucking meaning.

so i’m nursing my vodka, proper vodka this time, 37% alcohol, and proper nursing, since i carried it back from the shops clutched tightly to my chest, mostly because my latest set of stitches are MAD infected and really fucking hurt, but the pus hasn’t reached the surface so there’s nothing i can do about it. maybe if i get sepsis i will finally fucking die.

should i write more drunk posts? they’d probably be pretty fucking funny, hey.


rosie bee

4 thoughts on “this is where i’m at tonight

  1. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way currently. The ED is a horrible monster that tries to tell you you’ve failed at everything but try hard to not listen to it. Making yourself purge is not the answer. I know what it’s like to feel as though it will help, but those moments of relief are filled with dread shortly after. Purging and hurting yourself are ways your mind is trying to get rid of the pain you’re feeling. Do you have any other, more healthy, ways you can release the pain? Distractions like reading a book, journaling, watching TV can help or going for a walk, talking to a friend. Sending love and hugs during this difficult time xx


    1. thanks for reading. i cannot purge in the usual sense (vomiting) and typically exercise purge instead. if i’m strong enough to fight the urge i will do some yoga instead – strong not skinny. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes of course, you said that in the post and I misread. I never used to like yoga but I’ve been doing lately and have actually found it’s helped calm me down during tougher days. Definitely strong not skinny ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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