well, i want to die

i can’t stop eating.

i can’t stop exercising.

i can’t stop thinking.

i can’t stop this.

which means i can’t do this anymore. i shouldn’t have to do this anymore.

i’m under no illusion that self harm will kill me. i know it might, if i hit the right spot deep enough. but it’s unlikely, and humans have this nasty self-preservation instinct that always stops me from bleeding out, even when i have hit an artery, even when it was on purpose.

so i need to get my hands on some good stuff, and i need to end this shit for good.

whatever.

for the past week, couple of weeks, month, i don’t know, i have been restricting and exercising all day long, then eating chocolate or biscuits for dinner, and then doing it all over again to make sure i’m burning off all that disgusting fat. i’m losing weight again. i’m 1.1 kg from my first goal. and then 5 to my next.

i can do this.

we can do this – ana is my coach and she is damn good at what she does. we’re ready to evaporate again. this time, we want to evaporate so far that there’s no way to return. are bodies like rain? are disordered thoughts like rain? condense has so many more meanings than condensation.

i turn 21 on wednesday.

4 thoughts on “well, i want to die

  1. This hurt me to read.
    I began living with an ED for the same reasons.
    Sending hugs and peace….
    And, share it with your GP. For the part of you that wants it to get better. Though with your healthcare system:(
    Would you go privately by the way?
    πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i wouldn’t go privately, i can’t afford it and my family doesn’t support me. i’ve been connected with an ed therapist on the new aus medicare plan specific for eating disorders but i just keep cancelling appts whoops ://

      Like

      1. yeah i’ve seen her twice now and she’s okay… it’s just hard to let this go. and i want to be thin again lol… so why would i give up the thing that will help me get what i want?

        Like

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