Broken streaks and bloodied sheets

I was able to go five weeks without self harming. It would have been 35 days tonight. 35 days of urges. 35 days of urge surfing. 35 days of ignoring the buzz of sharps calling me from afar, from the kitchen, from my desk, from the toolbox. It would have been 35 days if it… Continue reading Broken streaks and bloodied sheets

hi! hello! yes, i’m still here!

I've just been busily working away at another project, another outlet to channel the relentless onslaught of emotions through. This project is... A book! It's not the first time I've attempted to write something of a decent length with the hope of having it published. Oh no, my hard drive is full of unfinished manuscripts,… Continue reading hi! hello! yes, i’m still here!

A Surge of Urges

The urges rattle my bones as if there were an earthquake beneath my skin. Clenched fists hang at my sides as if the harder I press my fingernails into my palms, the easier it will be to win this fight. The thought consumes me: to cut or not to cut? That is the only question.… Continue reading A Surge of Urges

Learning German: The Bildungsroman

As most of you may or may not know, I'm currently in my third year of university (or college, if that's your thing). This semester, I decided to give myself a break from science to look after myself and focused instead on the literature part of my degree. One of my courses is about a… Continue reading Learning German: The Bildungsroman

Dear body, can we be friends?

It took a deep breath and sighed, I've been waiting my whole life for this. Slowly, slowly, I begin to reclaim my body. I reveal my scars in short sleeves and shorts, and I hide them beneath floral tattoos and deep quotes. Slowly, slowly, I am learning to define myself beyond my mental illness, beyond… Continue reading Dear body, can we be friends?

i’m not who you think i am

I was never supposed to be the girl who gave up. The girl who struggled. The girl who was trapped in cycles of self-destructive behaviours. I wasn't expected to be the one to end up in hospital, to end up with scars, to go from underweight to overweight and back again. I was expected, for… Continue reading i’m not who you think i am

Scribing Life

I wrote a thing; a Virginia Woolf inspired thing. It's for uni, but I'm super happy with how it's turned out and wanted to share it with some other lovely people. If it's italicised, then it's quoted from VW. And it's semi-autobiographical, but not entirely.  Here's my attempt at scribing life: Several violent moments of… Continue reading Scribing Life

Slides and Steps*

*pretend it says snakes and ladders, okay? In the town where I grew up, the playground I frequented most often had a deathly metal slide. One of those really old-school, stainless-steel terrors with a ladder at the back and a field of prickles at the base. It was horror in summer, but epic nonetheless. I… Continue reading Slides and Steps*

Lessons

Just because they say they understand, doesn't mean they do. Just because they texts emojis, and kind words, doesn't mean those sentiments are actually reciprocated. Just because you're good at your job, doesn't mean you're not at risk of being fired. I lost my job. This isn't to say that I'm unemployed, but I lost… Continue reading Lessons

Emergency Department Trauma

I'm not unfamiliar with trauma. I suffered emotional abuse as I was growing up, and was physically and verbally bullied for many years. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result, when the intrusive flashbacks and nightmares were at their worst. There's the scale trauma I experience every time I am asked to be weighed,… Continue reading Emergency Department Trauma