Declined

M, yeah, not much I can do with this, sorry. Aren't discriminatory doctors the absolute worst? They see me as three letters, as my abbreviation; they see me as the negative adjectives in my notes, in the words "aggressive" and "sedated" and "self-inflicted". They don't see me for what I am: hurting, and in need… Continue reading Declined

She’s a deep one

In one of the many stories I have written, I describe how a character stitches her own foot close, and the black thread that wobbles across her heel like a tree branch, because she couldn't stop her hands from shaking as she sewed herself back together again. It's a chilling detail, but recently I imagined… Continue reading She’s a deep one

Broken streaks and bloodied sheets

I was able to go five weeks without self harming. It would have been 35 days tonight. 35 days of urges. 35 days of urge surfing. 35 days of ignoring the buzz of sharps calling me from afar, from the kitchen, from my desk, from the toolbox. It would have been 35 days if it… Continue reading Broken streaks and bloodied sheets

A Surge of Urges

The urges rattle my bones as if there were an earthquake beneath my skin. Clenched fists hang at my sides as if the harder I press my fingernails into my palms, the easier it will be to win this fight. The thought consumes me: to cut or not to cut? That is the only question.… Continue reading A Surge of Urges

i’m not who you think i am

I was never supposed to be the girl who gave up. The girl who struggled. The girl who was trapped in cycles of self-destructive behaviours. I wasn't expected to be the one to end up in hospital, to end up with scars, to go from underweight to overweight and back again. I was expected, for… Continue reading i’m not who you think i am

Lessons

Just because they say they understand, doesn't mean they do. Just because they texts emojis, and kind words, doesn't mean those sentiments are actually reciprocated. Just because you're good at your job, doesn't mean you're not at risk of being fired. I lost my job. This isn't to say that I'm unemployed, but I lost… Continue reading Lessons

Emergency Department Trauma

I'm not unfamiliar with trauma. I suffered emotional abuse as I was growing up, and was physically and verbally bullied for many years. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result, when the intrusive flashbacks and nightmares were at their worst. There's the scale trauma I experience every time I am asked to be weighed,… Continue reading Emergency Department Trauma

New Year, Old Me

Every year, I tell myself things will get better. They never do. The pain is endless, and I am mostly left feeling distraught. As 2011 ended, depression had a firm grasp over me, and anorexia was beginning to infest my soul. By 2012, all the behaviours of my eating disorder had appeared; excessive exercise, calorie… Continue reading New Year, Old Me

Returning from the irreversible

There were many things I have told myself I would never do. I never thought I would let myself gain weight, but I have been physically recovered from anorexia for two years now. I never thought I would self harm, but now I have a body covered in the scars of my self-destruction. I never… Continue reading Returning from the irreversible

Smol anxious stress bundle

It's me, your anxious little bundle of stress. The anxiety has been so real recently. Yesterday, I freaked out because the new tattoo I have (it's so pretty!) is healing kind of weird and I thought I'd ruined it because I had exposed it to the sun a little bit, and what if it was… Continue reading Smol anxious stress bundle