Posts

My Depression Has No Metaphor

I was trying to think of a metaphor I could use to describe depression. There's an obvious problem, with it being utterly indescribable. All this bullshit about clouds that rain only over you, and darkness that doesn't recede, isn't really wrong, but it doesn't fully capture the essence of depression. Which, just to eliminate the… Continue reading My Depression Has No Metaphor

Suicide Doesn’t Seem Selfish To Me

People say that suicide is selfish. And sure, they're right - it is selfish to leave behind bereft family and friends who you cannot support, who will never know your last words and last thoughts, and constantly question if they could have helped, if they could have done more. Keeping me alive is also selfish.… Continue reading Suicide Doesn’t Seem Selfish To Me

Sketches From a Psychiatric Ward

They're strangely aesthetically pleasing. In 2017, I was admitted to three separate psych wards, for a total of six weeks. It might not seem like a lot, and sure I had 46 weeks of non-psych ward living, but these were my first three trips to the ER, and first three admissions to hospital for any… Continue reading Sketches From a Psychiatric Ward

Resigning Myself to Recovery

Sometimes I sit. I sit in half-lotus, or collapse, whatever best befits my level of exhaustion (there's no in between, it's go hard or go home for me when it comes to black and white thoughts), and I think. I probably dissociate a fair bit, but mostly I think. I think about how things are… Continue reading Resigning Myself to Recovery

Why do I keep hurting myself?

I deserve to be punished. This is the belief that drives every behaviour I engage in, but none more than self harm. I deserve to be punished, so I deserve to hurt. I deserve the scars. I deserve to be ugly. So I cut. FYI this is not going to be a particularly nice post.… Continue reading Why do I keep hurting myself?

Anxious Human Here

Here are some things that make me anxious: Being unexpectedly touched, like when people sit too close on the buses, and their thighs or sleeve touches me, and I have to press my face against the window to escape, but then my skin is touching dirty public transport glass and then I feel unclean, and… Continue reading Anxious Human Here

Hold on

Two words. Two syllables. Two girls sharing emotional stress silently, as busy commuters and parents hurry past obliviously. Two hands reaching across a dirty bakery counter. Two arms stretching across space into a wordless void. One arm was heavily scarred, still bleeding in places, the other covered by long sleeves. I have to wear short… Continue reading Hold on

Binge Eating Aftermath 2

i wish i had died i wish i had died i wish i had died i should have let anorexia kill me i wish i was dead i want to die They say to use coping phrases, that feeling full is not the same as being fat, but it is, I'm full to the point… Continue reading Binge Eating Aftermath 2

Soon

Soon, they say. Soon, things will get better. Soon, things will improve. Soon, the medication will take effect. Soon, the therapy will take effect. Soon, positive coping mechanisms will replace the maladaptive ones. Soon is not soon enough, in the same way that good will never be good enough. I can't be good, I need… Continue reading Soon

I’m not sick enough

I'm struggling with my eating disorder right now. I'm not struggling with weight loss, or with severe restriction, or with calorie counting, or excessive exercise - I'm not struggling with anorexia anymore. I'm struggling to comprehend that I wish I was struggling more. I wish I was still underweight, and dying. I wish I was still anorexic. … Continue reading I’m not sick enough

The Book That Ruined My Life

I love to read. I love all sorts of books, I love to savour every word, every syllable like a sweet morsel to dangle off my tongue. I love adding new words to my extensive repertoire, words like surreptitious, superfluous, vernacular, kintsukuroi, and petrichor - all of which are very real, very beautiful words you… Continue reading The Book That Ruined My Life

Bible Quotes That Deeply Resonate with My Depression (and other illnesses too)

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit" - Psalm 34:18 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ" - Galatians 6:2 "The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble" - Psalm 9:9 "Pray without ceasing" - Thessalonians 5:17 "Therefore, if food… Continue reading Bible Quotes That Deeply Resonate with My Depression (and other illnesses too)

Chronic Depression, My Old Friend

When I was younger, before all the bad shit happened (read: anorexia followed by years of intense bullying which only reaffirmed that if I was just thinner, things would be better) I thought depression was purely episodic. I thought it only occurred during grief after a death, that it was a really intense sadness that hung… Continue reading Chronic Depression, My Old Friend