I’m not sick enough

I'm struggling with my eating disorder right now. I'm not struggling with weight loss, or with severe restriction, or with calorie counting, or excessive exercise - I'm not struggling with anorexia anymore. I'm struggling to comprehend that I wish I was struggling more. I wish I was still underweight, and dying. I wish I was still anorexic. … Continue reading I’m not sick enough

The Book That Ruined My Life

I love to read. I love all sorts of books, I love to savour every word, every syllable like a sweet morsel to dangle off my tongue. I love adding new words to my extensive repertoire, words like surreptitious, superfluous, vernacular, kintsukuroi, and petrichor - all of which are very real, very beautiful words you… Continue reading The Book That Ruined My Life

Chronic Depression, My Old Friend

When I was younger, before all the bad shit happened (read: anorexia followed by years of intense bullying which only reaffirmed that if I was just thinner, things would be better) I thought depression was purely episodic. I thought it only occurred during grief after a death, that it was a really intense sadness that hung… Continue reading Chronic Depression, My Old Friend

Bringing Clarity To My Eating Disorder(s)

This is my safe space, where I do whatever the fuck I want. Sometimes, I write eloquently and in full sentences, and sometimes my writing becomes a pure stream of consciousness, which can be identified by the increased use of swear words and italics. Because this is my space where I do whatever the fuck… Continue reading Bringing Clarity To My Eating Disorder(s)

Eating Disorder Nostalgia

Sometimes, I wish I had died. I look back at photos from my thinnest, from my sickest, most obsessive, frame of mind and wish I had died. I was close. I can recall moments where I was terrified that I was in fact, about to die, and also the words of friends, who indeed did… Continue reading Eating Disorder Nostalgia

Some Things That Happened When I Stopped Eating

No more carbs. No more fat. No more sugar. No more eating unless I am hungry. No more tea between meals. Nothing over x amount of calories. Nothing to eat if my weight has increased, even if it's only by one hundred grams. Nothing to eat after exercise until I feel hungry again. Nothing to eat… Continue reading Some Things That Happened When I Stopped Eating

When Goal Setting Makes Me Suicidal

2017 was the first year I sought eating disorder treatment since anorexia developed in 2011. My recovery prior to this was undertaken by myself, without input from any health professionals. This was not a healthy decision. I know of people who have undertaken their own recovery and weight restoration and done an incredible job, grown… Continue reading When Goal Setting Makes Me Suicidal

I’m Sorry. To My Friends, Family, and Self.

I’m sorry to have confused you for so long. For not eating in front of you, then binging on chocolate at sleepovers, appearing normal, and immediately returning to that desolate place of starvation. I'm sorry I never said my anorexia was binge/purge sub-type, because then it would have made more sense. I’m sorry for the… Continue reading I’m Sorry. To My Friends, Family, and Self.

Anorexia: An Introduction

Have you met Ana? Ana-who? I hope you wonder Murmurs – Ana-rexia. When my spiral down the eating disorder rabbit hole began, I didn’t know anorexia existed. I had seen pictures of emaciated women, of course. I thought it was purely about looking in the mirror and seeing an obese person staring back. Having now… Continue reading Anorexia: An Introduction

The Dangers of Numbers

I’m good with numbers. In fact, I like to think I’m pretty exceptional when it comes to working with numbers. My mental arithmetic is pretty on point, which comes in handy at my IRL paying jobs: running an Etsy store, working at a bakery, and tutoring high school students. It definitely speeds up the cash… Continue reading The Dangers of Numbers