Earlier.

More noticeably than ever have I been noticing the pull of polarisation that BPD brings. It comes with an anxious tremor, and a silliness fringing on hypomania, and impulsivity and outrageousness. But it also comes with dark thoughts and dark urges and the lure of punishments desecrated across my skin. Tonight I have experienced every… Continue reading Earlier.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

There's a problem with living with borderline personality disorder: it doesn't make things easy for me. There I was, one week ago, the happiest four days I have experienced potentially ever in my life, and here I am, one week later, back to that dark pit I know only too well. There I was, my… Continue reading What Goes Up Must Come Down

Things Change + A Poem

I made a fairly big call recently. I decided to return to my home town in regional coastal Western Australia. It is a place seething with bad memories, and as I have made very clear on this blog before, the source of much trauma. As I was flying in, I realised something. This isn't a… Continue reading Things Change + A Poem

Finally Learning to Self Advocate

I saw my psychiatrist today. And for the first time since I started seeing any mental health professional (we're talking a span of years), I didn't leave angry at myself. I left satisfied. I left feeling like I'm actually going to get somewhere - even though I'm sick, even though I'm struggling, even though I'm an anxious… Continue reading Finally Learning to Self Advocate

These are not my only needs

I need to draw to calm my anxiety, but I'm shaking so badly I can't hold a pencil steady. I need to stop shaking because it's freaking people out, but I'm so agitated I can't stop. I need to look after myself, but a worthless person places all others' needs above their own. I need… Continue reading These are not my only needs

Chapter Zero: A Brief History of My Time with Mental Illness

I'm going to tell you a story: There once was a girl who was slightly insane, with eyes so bright they matched her brain. She had no troubles of what the day might bring, and when it was silent she would secretly sing. There is still a girl who is more or less sane, but behind… Continue reading Chapter Zero: A Brief History of My Time with Mental Illness

Some Things

I had no idea what to write today. Most of the time, when I sit down to write, or to blog, or to journal, whatever it may be, I have a pretty clear idea of where I'm heading and what I want to achieve. Lately, everything is a mess. It's so much of a mess… Continue reading Some Things

Hatred

It's been a tough few weeks. It's been a very tough few weeks. The suicidal thoughts have returned, just as strong as before. I hate this. It's something I repeat to the friends I reach out to, over and over and over: I hate this.  I hate not knowing myself, I hate that I can't seem… Continue reading Hatred

Step Into The Waves, Not To Come Back Out

I say that things are rough a lot, but things are rough at the moment. Not in the usual way either. Things are rough in a new way and I don't like it. The urge to self-harm has become a desire to hurt myself, driven by a sense of failure and need for punishment. The… Continue reading Step Into The Waves, Not To Come Back Out

The Art of Opening Up (and of lying)

They say it's an act, as if opening up is purely an action and nothing else. They say 'just' open up, as if it's easy in the first place, like 'just' starting the car, or 'just' cleaning the kitchen. It's not an act. It's an art. Acting would be the way I lie to everyone… Continue reading The Art of Opening Up (and of lying)