The confusion that comes with being a borderline

I am so, so scared. I am so, so confused. I don't understand my mind anymore. I spent a long time trying to understand how my eating disorder and self-destructive behaviours functioned and served me, but now, in this current place, I am lost once more. I don't understand why the smallest trigger can send… Continue reading The confusion that comes with being a borderline

These are not my only needs

I need to draw to calm my anxiety, but I'm shaking so badly I can't hold a pencil steady. I need to stop shaking because it's freaking people out, but I'm so agitated I can't stop. I need to look after myself, but a worthless person places all others' needs above their own. I need… Continue reading These are not my only needs

The Family Effect

To be perfectly honest, I have been under such a firm hold of dissociation that I can't remember whether I already wrote about this or not. Just before my nineteenth birthday, I almost killed myself. As in, the only reason I am alive today is because of one person who believes in me enough and… Continue reading The Family Effect

19 Good Things From The Year I Turned 19

Today is my birthday. Today is not a day I expected to see. For the first time, today it truly hit me just how incredible it is that I have lived nineteen years on this earth. I have survived severe anorexia, depression and multiple suicidal periods. In fact, just ten days ago, I came my… Continue reading 19 Good Things From The Year I Turned 19

The Verge Becomes The Edge

I don't generally include trigger warnings on my blog posts, but as a forewarning, this post deals pretty explicitly with suicide and suicidal ideation. You know yourself. If this isn't a safe topic for you, please don't read on. It started on Wednesday. I say that's when it started, but of course it's difficult to… Continue reading The Verge Becomes The Edge

Permanency

I have tattoos. People are genuinely surprised to hear this, because my first is on my hipbone and so not visible. My second is freshly done, and definitely visible (it's on my bicep) but it's winter now and hidden beneath layers of soft knits and scarves. Maybe people are surprised because I don't look "the… Continue reading Permanency

Chapter Zero: A Brief History of My Time with Mental Illness

I'm going to tell you a story: There once was a girl who was slightly insane, with eyes so bright they matched her brain. She had no troubles of what the day might bring, and when it was silent she would secretly sing. There is still a girl who is more or less sane, but behind… Continue reading Chapter Zero: A Brief History of My Time with Mental Illness

On The Verge

The emotions pile on and on and on. Anger and frustration and sadness and anxiety and stress and fear. On and on and on am I swathed in irresistible urges to hurt myself, to binge, to cut, to do something worse. On and on and on it goes. It's an endless hurt mapped by scars… Continue reading On The Verge

My Self-Harm Story

The first time I hurt myself I was sixteen. I used a pin, and scratched the part of my body I despised the most at the time - my hips. I blamed myself for my brother's cancer diagnosis. I blamed myself for the shouting that accompanied his move back in with my parents. I blamed… Continue reading My Self-Harm Story

Some Things

I had no idea what to write today. Most of the time, when I sit down to write, or to blog, or to journal, whatever it may be, I have a pretty clear idea of where I'm heading and what I want to achieve. Lately, everything is a mess. It's so much of a mess… Continue reading Some Things