Reasons to Recover

I was thinking about my eating disorder, as I do, as I always do. I was ruminating, remembering the sensations of anorexia. I remember, even as I try to forget, to force the images from my mind, the memories of bony reflections. I try to forget these tainted memories, the lies that Ana feeds me,… Continue reading Reasons to Recover

A Word on Being Alone

For the first time in my life, I have experienced true alone-ness. Not loneliness, the longing for other people, nor deliberate isolation where my eating disorder could fester. Not a desire to be by myself. But a whole new experience - 'aloneness'. I lived alone for just over six months, and, retrospectively, I have realised… Continue reading A Word on Being Alone

Resigning Myself to Recovery

Sometimes I sit. I sit in half-lotus, or collapse, whatever best befits my level of exhaustion (there's no in between, it's go hard or go home for me when it comes to black and white thoughts), and I think. I probably dissociate a fair bit, but mostly I think. I think about how things are… Continue reading Resigning Myself to Recovery

Binge Eating Aftermath 2

i wish i had died i wish i had died i wish i had died i should have let anorexia kill me i wish i was dead i want to die They say to use coping phrases, that feeling full is not the same as being fat, but it is, I'm full to the point… Continue reading Binge Eating Aftermath 2

I’m not sick enough

I'm struggling with my eating disorder right now. I'm not struggling with weight loss, or with severe restriction, or with calorie counting, or excessive exercise - I'm not struggling with anorexia anymore. I'm struggling to comprehend that I wish I was struggling more. I wish I was still underweight, and dying. I wish I was still anorexic. … Continue reading I’m not sick enough

The Book That Ruined My Life

I love to read. I love all sorts of books, I love to savour every word, every syllable like a sweet morsel to dangle off my tongue. I love adding new words to my extensive repertoire, words like surreptitious, superfluous, vernacular, kintsukuroi, and petrichor - all of which are very real, very beautiful words you… Continue reading The Book That Ruined My Life

Bringing Clarity To My Eating Disorder(s)

This is my safe space, where I do whatever the fuck I want. Sometimes, I write eloquently and in full sentences, and sometimes my writing becomes a pure stream of consciousness, which can be identified by the increased use of swear words and italics. Because this is my space where I do whatever the fuck… Continue reading Bringing Clarity To My Eating Disorder(s)

My Brain Hurts Tonight

There is darkness in me. It hurts. It pushes against my skull, a visceral pulse of mental pain. I feel it inside my chest and throat, where bugs dance against my flesh, and trapped insects crawl up and down. Under my skin, there's a creeping sensation. Inside my heart, a deafening beat. There's depression disguised… Continue reading My Brain Hurts Tonight

Binge Eating Aftermath

I just ate two boxes of muesli bars. I regret every bite. And I want to hurt myself. Bad. Real bad. Because of the whole broken arm deal I can't exercise-purge tomorrow. I could cycle, but I wouldn't be able to do it properly. So Ana has plans for us to restrict instead. We won't… Continue reading Binge Eating Aftermath

Some Things That Happened When I Stopped Eating

No more carbs. No more fat. No more sugar. No more eating unless I am hungry. No more tea between meals. Nothing over x amount of calories. Nothing to eat if my weight has increased, even if it's only by one hundred grams. Nothing to eat after exercise until I feel hungry again. Nothing to eat… Continue reading Some Things That Happened When I Stopped Eating