There were many things I have told myself I would never do. I never thought I would let myself gain weight, but I have been physically recovered from anorexia for two years now. I never thought I would self harm, but now I have a body covered in the scars of my self-destruction. I never… Continue reading Returning from the irreversible
Not sleeping. Not eating properly. Discovering alcohol. Which, as it turns out, makes me 1) not sleep, and 2) suppresses my appetite. So it's both a problem (because I'm more exhausted than ever) and a solution (because I don't want to eat anyway). Self-harming to punish myself for not eating properly and discovering alcohol. My… Continue reading Some Struggles of Late
Alcohol. In that single word I can see all of the mistakes I've made in under a month. I have been sober my entire life, despite growing up in a town with a heavy drinking culture, despite desperately wanting to fit in at university where it seems damaging your liver remains the best way to… Continue reading Whoops, guess what I discovered?
When I was in high school, I went through several severe stressors all at roughly the same time. First, I was already suffering from anorexia nervosa, which isn't exactly a great way to kick things off. Then I was bullied incessantly. And by incessantly, well fuck. I was physically and verbally abused every single day, from 8… Continue reading That thing I never talk about
More noticeably than ever have I been noticing the pull of polarisation that BPD brings. It comes with an anxious tremor, and a silliness fringing on hypomania, and impulsivity and outrageousness. But it also comes with dark thoughts and dark urges and the lure of punishments desecrated across my skin. Tonight I have experienced every… Continue reading Earlier.
There's a problem with living with borderline personality disorder: it doesn't make things easy for me. There I was, one week ago, the happiest four days I have experienced potentially ever in my life, and here I am, one week later, back to that dark pit I know only too well. There I was, my… Continue reading What Goes Up Must Come Down
I am so, so scared. I am so, so confused. I don't understand my mind anymore. I spent a long time trying to understand how my eating disorder and self-destructive behaviours functioned and served me, but now, in this current place, I am lost once more. I don't understand why the smallest trigger can send… Continue reading The confusion that comes with being a borderline
I saw my psychiatrist today. And for the first time since I started seeing any mental health professional (we're talking a span of years), I didn't leave angry at myself. I left satisfied. I left feeling like I'm actually going to get somewhere - even though I'm sick, even though I'm struggling, even though I'm an anxious… Continue reading Finally Learning to Self Advocate
I need to draw to calm my anxiety, but I'm shaking so badly I can't hold a pencil steady. I need to stop shaking because it's freaking people out, but I'm so agitated I can't stop. I need to look after myself, but a worthless person places all others' needs above their own. I need… Continue reading These are not my only needs
To be perfectly honest, I have been under such a firm hold of dissociation that I can't remember whether I already wrote about this or not. Just before my nineteenth birthday, I almost killed myself. As in, the only reason I am alive today is because of one person who believes in me enough and… Continue reading The Family Effect