Resigning Myself to Recovery

Sometimes I sit. I sit in half-lotus, or collapse, whatever best befits my level of exhaustion (there's no in between, it's go hard or go home for me when it comes to black and white thoughts), and I think. I probably dissociate a fair bit, but mostly I think. I think about how things are… Continue reading Resigning Myself to Recovery

Why do I keep hurting myself?

I deserve to be punished. This is the belief that drives every behaviour I engage in, but none more than self harm. I deserve to be punished, so I deserve to hurt. I deserve the scars. I deserve to be ugly. So I cut. FYI this is not going to be a particularly nice post.… Continue reading Why do I keep hurting myself?

Anxious Human Here

Here are some things that make me anxious: Being unexpectedly touched, like when people sit too close on the buses, and their thighs or sleeve touches me, and I have to press my face against the window to escape, but then my skin is touching dirty public transport glass and then I feel unclean, and… Continue reading Anxious Human Here

Hold on

Two words. Two syllables. Two girls sharing emotional stress silently, as busy commuters and parents hurry past obliviously. Two hands reaching across a dirty bakery counter. Two arms stretching across space into a wordless void. One arm was heavily scarred, still bleeding in places, the other covered by long sleeves. I have to wear short… Continue reading Hold on

Binge Eating Aftermath 2

i wish i had died i wish i had died i wish i had died i should have let anorexia kill me i wish i was dead i want to die They say to use coping phrases, that feeling full is not the same as being fat, but it is, I'm full to the point… Continue reading Binge Eating Aftermath 2

Soon

Soon, they say. Soon, things will get better. Soon, things will improve. Soon, the medication will take effect. Soon, the therapy will take effect. Soon, positive coping mechanisms will replace the maladaptive ones. Soon is not soon enough, in the same way that good will never be good enough. I can't be good, I need… Continue reading Soon

Bible Quotes That Deeply Resonate with My Depression (and other illnesses too)

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit" - Psalm 34:18 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ" - Galatians 6:2 "The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble" - Psalm 9:9 "Pray without ceasing" - Thessalonians 5:17 "Therefore, if food… Continue reading Bible Quotes That Deeply Resonate with My Depression (and other illnesses too)

Chronic Depression, My Old Friend

When I was younger, before all the bad shit happened (read: anorexia followed by years of intense bullying which only reaffirmed that if I was just thinner, things would be better) I thought depression was purely episodic. I thought it only occurred during grief after a death, that it was a really intense sadness that hung… Continue reading Chronic Depression, My Old Friend

Eating Disorder Nostalgia

Sometimes, I wish I had died. I look back at photos from my thinnest, from my sickest, most obsessive, frame of mind and wish I had died. I was close. I can recall moments where I was terrified that I was in fact, about to die, and also the words of friends, who indeed did… Continue reading Eating Disorder Nostalgia

My Brain Hurts Tonight

There is darkness in me. It hurts. It pushes against my skull, a visceral pulse of mental pain. I feel it inside my chest and throat, where bugs dance against my flesh, and trapped insects crawl up and down. Under my skin, there's a creeping sensation. Inside my heart, a deafening beat. There's depression disguised… Continue reading My Brain Hurts Tonight