I don’t want things to be different, just worse

I'm struggling at the moment, lately, still, always, of course I am, because what else would I be doing if I wasn't struggling? The depression is back with a vengeance, anxiety tells me I'm going to die every time I catch public transport, suicidal ideation has been bad, self harm urges have been bad, the… Continue reading I don’t want things to be different, just worse

The Thing About the Future

The future can be likened to many things, some of them literal and some metaphorical. Sometimes it seems that the future is a butterfly fluttering away in the distance, always visible but never reachable. Maybe it’s more of a stone, rolling down a hill and gaining more and more momentum until it’s an unstoppable force.… Continue reading The Thing About the Future

Waves

Think of what it feel like to drown: the water covering your head, entering your throat and nose, trickling into every possible entrance, smothering, choking, burning. Imagine the panic that bubbles beneath the surface, the terror that streams from your stomach to your chest and up out of your soul through tensed shoulders and a… Continue reading Waves

Anxious Human Here (Again)

Here are some things that are making me anxious: University enrolment for semester two. My enrolment didn't open until 4pm which is unusual, because normally it's 9am, and this is bad because I had work 2-8.30, and my break ended at 4, so I took a sneaky 10 minutes to enrol using my phone at… Continue reading Anxious Human Here (Again)

Why do I keep hurting myself?

I deserve to be punished. This is the belief that drives every behaviour I engage in, but none more than self harm. I deserve to be punished, so I deserve to hurt. I deserve the scars. I deserve to be ugly. So I cut. FYI this is not going to be a particularly nice post.… Continue reading Why do I keep hurting myself?

Anxious Human Here

Here are some things that make me anxious: Being unexpectedly touched, like when people sit too close on the buses, and their thighs or sleeve touches me, and I have to press my face against the window to escape, but then my skin is touching dirty public transport glass and then I feel unclean, and… Continue reading Anxious Human Here

Binge Eating Aftermath 2

i wish i had died i wish i had died i wish i had died i should have let anorexia kill me i wish i was dead i want to die They say to use coping phrases, that feeling full is not the same as being fat, but it is, I'm full to the point… Continue reading Binge Eating Aftermath 2

I’m not sick enough

I'm struggling with my eating disorder right now. I'm not struggling with weight loss, or with severe restriction, or with calorie counting, or excessive exercise - I'm not struggling with anorexia anymore. I'm struggling to comprehend that I wish I was struggling more. I wish I was still underweight, and dying. I wish I was still anorexic. … Continue reading I’m not sick enough

Eating Disorder Nostalgia

Sometimes, I wish I had died. I look back at photos from my thinnest, from my sickest, most obsessive, frame of mind and wish I had died. I was close. I can recall moments where I was terrified that I was in fact, about to die, and also the words of friends, who indeed did… Continue reading Eating Disorder Nostalgia

My Brain Hurts Tonight

There is darkness in me. It hurts. It pushes against my skull, a visceral pulse of mental pain. I feel it inside my chest and throat, where bugs dance against my flesh, and trapped insects crawl up and down. Under my skin, there's a creeping sensation. Inside my heart, a deafening beat. There's depression disguised… Continue reading My Brain Hurts Tonight